REVOLUTION OF LOVE: UNDERSTANDING CHILDREN’S NEEDS AND RIGHTS. ?
?DEAR FRIENDS – Our basic attitude toward ourselves, other people and the world around us are created by the way we are treated as developing children. If parents, society, culture and religion love and validate a child’s natural and authentic self, that child’s inborn capacity for a life of joy and fulfillment will flourish- because when we are fully being ourselves it feels amazing, wonderful and satisfying simply to be alive! But to the degree that this does not occur- due to the abuse, neglect or misunderstanding/mistreatment of the child’s physical, emotional and spiritual needs- his/her ability to be self-expressive, fully alive and genuinely happy will be stunted.
I passionately believe that humanity lacks a clear and awakened vision of what children truly need from their parents and society to thrive on their journey through life. This “emotional blindness” exists in all societies and cultures, and leads inevitably to attitudes and practices- accepted by society as “normal”- that create lifelong inner pain. I further believe that humanity’s stored-up fear, rage and heartbreak, generated by our misunderstanding and mistreatment of children, directly prevents us from healing problems such as war, poverty and injustice. The way we respond to our children, ultimately, generates the world we inhabit.
All religious and spiritual paths center on the question of human suffering. In one way or another, each attempts to answer these two basic questions: “Why am I in pain?” and “What is the road back to happiness”? I have come to the conclusion that none of our prior awakenings have seen deeply enough to truly answer these questions.
TO CLAIM OUR BIRTHRIGHT OF HAPPINESS, WE NOW NEED TO OPEN OUR EYES AND OUR HEARTS WIDER THAN EVER BEFORE.
Each of us as individuals, and humanity as a whole, needs to face the truth about what we feel inside. And grasp how our habitual reactions to ourselves/other people/life began in how we were treated and conditioned during our childhoods.
Makes sense?
For many years, I have had the honor of helping brave people free themselves from their emotional pain and inner conflicts. As a Core/Bioenergetic psychotherapist trained to see beneath peoples’ social “masks” to their suppressed and denied feelings, I have come to the following conclusion: The overwhelming majority of people on Planet Earth are carrying a burden of emotional pain.
To give you an idea of what I’m pointing at, consider this: most males, around the world, routinely go for years- if not their entire adult lives- without releasing their sadness through crying. This kind of deadening- and nearly universal!- emotional block leads to inner feelings of unfreedom and isolation. As Henry David Thoreau phrased it, to a “life of quiet desperation”.
Very few people are at peace within and joyfully fulfilled in their lives. Only a handful have an unconditional love for and belief in themselves. As evidenced by the incessant commercials for anti-depressants and other drugs, anxiety and depression are at epidemic levels. And this is the situation in the most socially tolerant and materially prosperous state of civilization that the world has ever known!
I firmly believe that when we are born, every single one of us is perfectly equipped for a life of love and joy. There is no “Original Sin”, “karmic debt” or genetic flaw in our makeup that can account for the pain we are all struggling with individually- and collectively as the human race and family.
We were ALL born in Original Innocence- ready to love and be loved and intrinsically, already happy. A simple, open-hearted observation of newborn and very young children will confirm the intrinsic joyfulness that we all started out with when we were born.
What then can account for the degree of loneliness, insecurity, inner struggle and general unhappiness that exists in most adults today? I believe that the answer will be found in the dawn of our lives- our childhood.
It is my unshakeable belief and impassioned assertion that the world’s blindness and insensitivity to what the Authentic Self truly needs from families, societies and cultures is THE ROOT CAUSE of our individual and collective anguish and struggle.
I further believe that our emotional numbness and ignorance to how developing children suffer from socially acceptable childrearing practices (for example spanking; the shaming and punishment of basic and healthy emotional energies such as anger, crying and sexuality; the lack of breastfeeding and sleeping in body contact with loving adults during infancy and early childhood; the taming and breaking of the child’s spirit to make him/her conform to the parent’s and society’s needs and expectations) is analogous to how slavery was viewed hundreds of years ago. There was so much pain being inflicted and damage being done- directly in front of people’s eyes- yet because it was socially acceptable the vast majority of people didn’t see and feel its heartbreaking wrongness. The world was in denial.
Because people block out the pain of their own upbringing, they fail to recognize that they are treating their own children with the attitudes and behaviors that had once hurt themselves. And so the cycle of pain passes from generation to generation.
Our parents, societies, cultures and religions did not consciously intend to hurt the innocent and trusting children we once were- and yet, for the vast majority of people alive today, that was what occurred.
I ask- did it occur to you?
I want to be completely clear on this crucial point: the pain of one’s basic instincts and emotions (as listed below) being misunderstood and invalidated creates as much anguish in a child as the more “visible” traumas such as spanking or sexual abuse. These “invisible” emotional wounds must be brought to light and treated with the greatest seriousness.
One’s feelings and instincts are one’s authentic self. Billions of people suffer from lost aliveness and lifelong unhappiness because their real and natural selves weren’t lovingly accepted and clearly understood.
Because a critical number of people will have to look within, and break through the denial of their own suffering as children, we need a worldwide movement (akin to the spread of Buddhism or Christianity) to ignite and support this new revolution of love and awareness. Let it begin here!
The words below were written by myself and the late Alice Miller (who originated the concept of the “Inner Child”). Making these concepts “cultural common sense” will shift the entire future of the human race. I implore you to consider the possibility (which to me is an utter certainty) that in the long run, it is the only thing that has the capability of doing so. LOTS OF LOVE- BRIAN
THE RIGHTS AND NEEDS OF CHILDREN
– Children are born to discover and fulfill themselves, and not to adapt to their parent’s expectations and needs. Parental recognition of this truth- and the happy embracing of it- is the key to the child’s emotional flourishing.
– Every child has the right to be respected by adults who warmly love them, take their needs and feelings seriously, help them see reality and respond to their world creatively.
– Every child has the right to an empathetic and constructive attitude, from it’s parents, to his/her physical instincts and authentic feelings. These basic instincts and emotions include a child’s need for intimacy, touch and affection; the need to be breast fed; acceptance of their natural expressions of anger and frustration; willfulness and self-assertion; sadness; sexuality; joy and excitement; anxiety and the need for reassurance; and love.
– To the degree to which these core self-expressions are met by fear, anger, shaming, misunderstanding, and physical violence such as spanking and slapping, the child’s self-respect and belief in his/her own worth will be permanently impaired.
– When children are manipulated, neglected, or abused without the intervention of any compassionate witness, their self-esteem and trust in life will be seriously injured.
– The normal reactions to such injury are anger, hurt and deep sorrow. Since children in a hurtful family environment are forbidden to express their anger and pain, and since it would be unbearable to experience their pain all alone, they are compelled to suppress their feelings, repress all memory of the trauma, and idealize those guilty of the abuse. Later they will have little or no memory of what was done to them.
– Disassociated from the original cause, their feelings of anger, helplessness, despair, longing, anxiety, and pain will find expression in destructive acts against others or against themselves. This includes chronic guilt, shame, self-criticism, anxiety and depression as well as self-destructive behaviors of all kinds.
– Parents are unconsciously driven to treat their own children in the same hurtful ways that they were once treated. These acts include slapping, spanking, and shaming the child. This tragedy occurs in order to keep the parents’ own childhood pain at bay.
– Child abuse/mistreatment is still sanctioned–indeed, held in high regard– as long as it is defined as child-rearing.
– If misunderstood/mistreated children are not to be doomed to a life of chronic unhappiness, it is essential that at least once in their life they come in contact with a person who knows without any doubt that it was the environment, not the innocent child, that was at fault. In this regard, knowledge or ignorance on the part of society can be instrumental in either saving or destroying a life. Here lies the great opportunity for relatives, social workers, therapists, teachers, doctors, psychiatrists, officials, and nurses to support the child and to believe her or him.
– It is still the common practice of cultures around the world to protect the adult and blame the child. This radical failure to protect children is still supported by childrearing principles that sanction abuse and humiliation, to teach them lessons “for their own good.” In reality, children tend to blame themselves for their parents’ cruelty and to absolve the parents, whom they invariably love, of all responsibility.
– The degree of kindness and compassion that the human race has to heal its problems — war, violence, poverty, injustice — is in direct proportion to the degree of tolerance, kindness and understanding given to the average child by the average parent. Children respond to and learn both tenderness and cruelty from the very beginning.
– Our becoming aware of the cruelty with which children are treated — both on the level of physical/sexual abuse, and in the realm of emotional abuse and misunderstanding — will as a matter of course bring to an end the perpetuation of violence from generation to generation.
– People whose integrity has not been damaged in childhood, who were protected, respected, and treated with honesty by their parents, will be-both in their youth and in adulthood- intelligent, responsive, empathic, and highly sensitive. They will take pleasure in life and will not feel any need to kill or hurt others or themselves. They will use their power to defend themselves, not to attack others. They will not be able to do otherwise than respect and protect those weaker than themselves, including their children, because this is what they have learned from their own experience, and because it is this knowledge (and not the experience of cruelty) that has been stored up inside them from the beginning.
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BORN TO BREATHE FREE! THE “BREATH OF LIFE” PRACTICE
DEAR FRIENDS- The more you become aware of and connected to your body- through yoga, meditation, Core Energetic/Bioenergetic psychotherapy etc.- the more you realize that you are frequently and habitually holding your breath. ??And in addition, when you are not consciously trying to breathe deeply, that your inbreath tends to be shallow and your outbreath is rarely pleasureable, satisfying and complete.??If you observe the state of your breathing frequently- try it today!- you will be astonished to discover how true this is. And even more amazed to realize that you have been living your life unaware of such a fundamental restriction to your basic aliveness.??You were born free- and you were born breathing free! The physical, emotional and spiritual freedom of your body and spirit is your sacred birthright. And to become capable of lasting happiness each of us needs to reclaim our free breathing, our joyful bodies- our whole selves! ??There is always a real reason that we are holding back our breath. The body doesn’t lie! And that reason is that we are unconsciously suppressing some emotional state- anger, sadness, fear, guilt, shame, loneliness and the longing for love.??And in some cases we are suppressing forbidden (primarily by our families in early life and also by our societies, cultures and religions)) pleasureable emotions- overwhelming sexual excitement, ecstatic joy, uncontrolled love.??It is crucial- indeed a major breakthrough on your path of Self-Love!- to realize that you weren’t born holding your breath. This “castration” of your life-force is completely the result of conditioning.??As proof, observe newborn infants as they breathe. The wave of their breath fills their chest completely and effortlessly and flows upward through their throat, mouth and head. And it simultaneously fully expands downward though their belly, pelvis legs and feet. The sacred wave of the breath fully connects us as infants to our entire body, our entire spirit- our Core Self.??But very few of us are breathing that way now! Why? Simply and succinctly put, our families (primarily), societies, cultures and religions suppressed and “tamed” our full and free emotional aliveness. We all received the message that the full power of our feelings- our anger and sadness, our excitement and sexuality, our willfulness and self-assertion, our longing to love and be loved- were “wrong” and “too much”.??And, tragically, we were forced to adapt to the demands of our wounded world by learning to hold our breath and suppress our full emotionality and aliveness. ??There is a way to liberate your imprisoned life-force and restore your free breathing. And in so doing, restore the fundamental conditions in your body and spirit for a life of inner peace and happiness. This simple practice can be the first empowering step on the road to real Inner Freedom and Unconditional Self-Love.??THE “BREATH OF LIFE” PRACTICE??1. Regularly and with increasing focus as you become more awake and committed to being free- throughout your day, “check in” with the state of your breathing. At least once every fifteen minutes if you can! As I described above, you will frequently notice that you are holding your breath or that it feels incomplete and “stuck”. ??2. When you become aware of this adopt a real attitude of kindness toward yourself. Then ask yourself this basic question: “What is it that I am afraid to feel right now”???3. With an open heart and mind allow yourself to see and sense the emotion/sensation in your body that your blocked breathing has suppressed. And then gently let yourself feel it and accept it. In doing so you are truly accepting yourself- and coming alive!??I guarantee that this simple 3-step practice is one of the most powerful self-awareness and self-liberation meditations you will ever use. Adopting it whole-heartedly is a heroic expression of your love for yourself and your sacred right to be free. It can and will reconnect you to your body, your spirit and your birthright of full aliveness. ??Repeated through the days, weeks, months and years it will free your life-force and restore you more and more to the Authentic and Radiant YOU that you came here to be! LOTS OF LOVE- BRIAN
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THE “INNER CHAMPION” EXERCISE: A SELF-LOVE PRACTICE TO HEAL YOUR INNER CHILD!
DEAR FRIENDS- We were all born in a state of innocence and grace, with hearts that were fully open to love and life. I believe that our deepest longing is to recover the prima
l open-heartedness and innate joy of being that we once felt and were. This innate happiness is covered over by the hurt and disappointment we have all experienced, and the defenses and denial that keep that pain trapped inside. But it can never be destroyed, because it is our Core Self.
What will empower us to return home to our intrinsically happy state? And in so doing become capable of the deep well-being and thrilling aliveness that is our birthright?
I believe that the path to achieve this involves two things. First we need to bravely and compassionately face where we were hurt and of necessity shut down to protect ourselves. In the name of love we need to feel, express and completely release the burden of pain we undeservedly carry.
And simultaneously we need to learn to love ourselves- unconditionally!
A beautiful way to do both is working to heal your Inner Child!
What is the Inner Child? This beautiful and precious part of the Authentic You can be understood in these two basic ways:
1. It is the part of you that was hurt while you were growing up, and which is still in pain within you.
2. It is the place in your heart that can trust without fear of betrayal; that is unafraid to love and be loved; that is capable of full and joyful self-expression; that takes great pleasure in play, creativity and imagination.
To free the life-embracing capacities and positive energy of your Inner Child- and therefore to reclaim your love of life and heal yourself- his/her pain must be acknowledged, taken seriously and fully released.
To thoroughly heal and finally be free, your Inner Child must have a Champion. That is, a compassionate witness that completely validates both your pain and your fundamental innocence and “rightness”. Your Champion is unconditionally on your side!
At the beginning of the process, your Champion may be another person — a therapist, a spiritual teacher, a wise and loving friend. However, for the healing to be complete, you must become your Inner Child’s ultimate Champion! Why? Because your Inner Child is a part of you, and therefore you are in the best possible position to give him/her exactly what is needed.
Complete self-empowerment and emotional security can only be gained when you yourself can fully stand up for your Inner Child. The goal is to become the Unconditionally Loving Parent and Invincible Champion that your Inner Child never had!
Here is a beginning exercise to help you awaken to the pain of your Inner Child, and to begin the process of healing him/her.
The “Inner Champion” Exercise
1. Recall something that your Mother or Father did — either once or repeatedly — that made you feel ashamed, afraid, guilty, lonely or very sad. Try to picture an incident or example of this as clearly as you can. Write down a few words describing it.
2. Try to recall — or if you can’t exactly remember, imagine — what you felt. Write down a few words describing what you felt. Then write down what you would have said if- like all children- you weren’t afraid of losing their love by being real and honest.
3. Now go to the mirror. The person in the mirror will be your Inner Child, who has suffered from this misunderstanding, mistreatment or abuse. You are going to speak to your Child as his/her Champion. Try saying these statements to start off, then experiment and expand on them if you like.
Beginning with your own name (or even better, a tender endearment like “sweety, honey” etc.) say the following:
a. (Your name or an endearment), they were wrong to do that. You needed love and understanding, not _____. You were just a child!
b. You didn’t make them do it. You didn’t deserve it. Their own problems made them do it.
c. You don’t have to be guilty or ashamed. The fault was theirs, not yours.
d. It’s okay to feel angry if you want. It’s safe now- I’ll protect you.
e. If you want to feel sad, that’s okay- it’s natural. You can cry and let it out if you want- I’ll be here for you.
f. I’m on your side no matter what. I’ll never let them hurt you again.
g. I’m going to listen to you, love you and help you until the pain is all gone.
I promise you that the more you connect to and rescue yourself in this tender and compassionate way, the better and better you will feel! I wish each of you complete success in loving, understanding and healing your precious Inner Child.
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THE “SIX HEALERS”: THE ESSENTIAL PRINCIPLES I USED TO CURE MY “INCURABLE ILLNESS
December 24, 2013 at 1:34pm
THE “SIX HEALERS”: THE ESSENTIAL PRINCIPLES I USED TO CURE MY “INCURABLE ILLNESS”
DEAR FRIENDS- In my essay “How I Cured My Incurable Disease With Love” I described to you my miraculous recovery from a crippling and life-threatening illness that had never before been cured. My victorious quest for health and recovery completely changed my life- and led me inward to the core of love and aliveness that enabled my body and spirit to “beat the odds” and arise in glowing health and joy.
For many years I worked as a Licensed Acupuncturist, Bioenergetic Psychotherapist and Self-Love guide for people with chronic and life-threatening illnesses. In the course of my own successful struggle and my work with my patients it became clear to me that the best way to rebuild the foundations of health and cure disease is to stay focussed on certain key principles that guide one’s steps on the path of recovery.
Whether your problem is a physical illness, an emotional/mental struggle, a spiritual crisis- or as in my case all of these at once- you will stay on course toward greater and greater health by using “The Six Healers” to guide and channel your efforts.
The “Six Healers” will arouse you to create your own miracle by connecting you to the Force of Life and Love that dwells in the Core of your body, heart and soul. I offer them to you as one who has felt the fear and despair you so often feel, and wrestled with the challenges you face every day. And I say to you- fear not! Just as I found the answers I needed within myself, I believe with all my heart that you can find them too.
Here, then, are Six Healers- guiding principles- who will always shine love, wisdom and understanding toward you when you need it the most!
THE SIX HEALERS
1. The Zen of Food. Every day your diet is either weakening your overall health or strengthening it. The foundation for building up your life-force and enabling your body to regenerate itself is food which amplifies your self-healing capacity- and certainly doesn’t detract from it! Empower yourself by trying different approaches to diet and its impact on your healing until you find the “food zen” that fits your body’s needs.
Also- happily realize that pleasure is a major healing factor in all illnesses, and that whatever diet you need to embrace there are ways to make each mealtime a real treat. Learn how to nurture and pleasure yourself with the type of food that adds to your self-healing forces.
2. Natural methods. In the end, genuine health is only restored through the body’s ability to repair itself. It is all-important to remember this- you have never dissolved the roots of your illness and fully restored your health unless your body has healed itself from within and “on its own power”.
The best methods to boost your body’s self-healing capacity are the right diet (see above), Chinese herbal medicine and acupuncture, Classical Homeopathic Medicine and Ayurveda. These latter three are the great natural medical methodologies, with thousands of years of proven ability to treat chronic and life-threatening illnesses. Western chemical drugs may control the symptoms of your illness, and even make it appear that the problem has been cured. But the underlying systemic imbalance which caused the illness and its symptoms will remain and return as a “relapse” or another illness later in life. Chemical drugs, while sometimes helpful in an emergency, ultimately are also poisons and as a general rule should be employed as a last resort and as briefly as possible.
3. Heal your feelings. By far the most overlooked factor in chronic illness- especially those which resist cure- is the destructive impact of buried emotional stress. I cannot overemphasize how much your stored-up feelings of fear, anger, sadness, guilt and shame change how your brain, nervous and hormonal systems and all your internal organs are functioning.
In the course of healing my own illness- which the best doctors in the world told me was incurable- I discovered the dynamic and direct relationship between releasing my emotional pain and my overall state of health getting stronger.
My personal experience was confirmed over and over in my work with my patients. People who came to me with cancer, Aids, heart disease, lupus, Chrohn’s syndrome, asthma, chronic fatigue, psoriasis, chronic pain of all kinds (including arthritis, migraines, back pain etc.) were often resistant to both natural and chemical/surgical methods. But when they began Bioenergetic Psychotherapy with me and worked to get in touch with and release their buried feelings, the diet and natural methods that they were using were able to trigger steady improvements. Every person with a chronic illness needs to be working toward a thorough “emotional cleansing” that frees the deepest stress from their body and spirit and lets the healing process “get unstuck” and move forward.
4. Tune into your soul. I have discovered that the soul is a healing genius- the greatest physician of all!- and it always knows the next step you need to take on your healing journey. Becoming more and more able to listen to that “still, small voice” will help you follow your intuitions and hunches- about what diet to eat, which methods to use, which doctors to work with, etc.- toward health and recovery. Your soul can speak to you through intuitions and apparent “coincidences” which are usually synchronistic. Explore them, see where they lead and trust that you are being guided by the genius within you.
When our minds are at rest and our bodies and hearts are still, the light of our soul becomes visible. The two most powerful ways to quiet the “background noise” of mental chatter and emotional stress- thereby enabling you to see/hear/intuit your soul’s guidance- are Zen Meditation that focusses on bodily awareness, and Core Energetic/Bioenergetic work which does the same and adds the practice of releasing your fear/anger/sadness etc.
5. Have faith! No matter what physical, emotional or spiritual problem you are struggling with, you need to pay daily attention to the state of your faith. Ultimately you need to believe- not only in your mind but deep in your heart and emotions as well- that whatever the odds your miraculous body and life-force can and someday will throw off their chains and be free. On the path of a “healing pilgrim” you need to be absolutely clear that ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS KEEP ADDING TO YOUR STATE OF HEALTH- moment-by-moment, day-by-day, month-by-month and year-by-year. And completely trust that by doing so your healing will progress as surely as spring follows winter and the sun will rise tomorrow.
In everyone with chronic and/or life-threatening illness, it is natural for faith and despair to exist side-by-side. Don’t be afraid to admit that you sometimes despair and to reach out for understanding and support! I actually greatly strengthened my faith not by denying the despair I felt, but bravely admitting it was there and working directly to release it. Again, meditation and Core/Bioenergetic work are enormously effective processes for confronting and letting go of your anguish and doubt. You can do it!
Faith has the power to galvanize our sleeping life-force and heal any disease. Thousands of so-called “incurable” illnesses- whether mental, emotional or physical- have been transformed by the uplifting energy of a person’s faith.
6. Love yourself- unconditionally! The most important factor in creating my healing miracle was my love and caring I awakened toward myself. In the depths of my heart I discovered an unconditionally devoted “Inner Mother” who was willing to work every moment of every day- for a whole lifetime if necessary- to heal her sick child. A fierce and tender compassion for myself made me willing to do and try ANYTHING necessary to improve, for as long as it would take. Love made my body and spirit want to live, love gave me the strength to never give up and love ultimately brought me back to life.
I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that recovery can be a long and difficult path. It often demands everything you have and more. And then, when you are drained and on your knees, it challenges you to find hope and strength you never suspected you had. Never give up and KEEP GOING! Always go deeper and you will find the precious jewels of wisdom, of faith, of strength that you need to keep moving forward.
In the end, it will be your unconditional love for YOU that is the fountain of living water. Again and again it will restore you, as you reach inward for the miracle of life you believe in- and deserve!
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SEX, LOVE AND HEALING: THE SEXUAL FREEDOM EXERCISE!
December 6, 2013 at 12:33pm
SEX, LOVE AND HEALING: THE SEXUAL FREEDOM EXERCISE!
DEAR FRIENDS- In the life-affirming perspective of Bioenergetic/Core Energetic therapy, bodily pleasure is the engine of life. Sensual and emotional gratification- good feelings!- raise our spirits, release our tensions and make us glad to be alive. We are, in our core, pleasure-oriented and life-loving animals.
And since pleasure feeds the fire of life it is definitely no sin. Indeed it is grace- a sacred and life-giving force!
Love and pleasure are the medicines we all need. And the open-hearted joy of sex is the sweetest combination of both! Being pleasure-oriented in general, and loving and embracing our sexual feelings in particular, keeps us “turned on”- glowing, happy and excited by life. But sadly, many people don’t get the wealth of nurturing pleasure and sexual satisfaction they need to flourish- spiritually, emotionally and physically.
There are many reasons for this. A major one is that we are trained to be ego/achievement oriented rather than body/pleasure centered. Most people value what they have and what they can do far more than who they are and what they feel. But we cannot fully relax, let go and BE- savoring the good feelings we need- if we are chronically tense from too much striving and “doing”.
Another reason why people don’t get enough life-affirming pleasure is that they subconsciously feel that they don’t deserve it! There are multiple reasons for this. For example, the denial of important emotional and instinctual needs during childhood makes us feel that we aren’t worthy of getting what we want. Impressionable children- and we adults- are also influenced by body/self-denying religious and cultural attitudes.
So many of us believe that pleasure must be earned- that we don’t have THE UNCONDITIONAL RIGHT TO FEEL GOOD. But since good feelings are essential for the health of our bodies and the strength of our spirits this widely-held attitude is madness!
But the most important factor that creates a lack of deep pleasure in life is rarely discussed or made conscious. It involves how we are conditioned- by our families, social norms and culture- to “numb” and suppress the full experience of our feelings.
Through guilt and shame we are taught that our valid/natural/positive anger; our authentic sadness; our longing for love and closeness; our lively and boisterous excitement are “wrong” or “too much”. And our early, completely natural and innocent sexual feelings (which arise between the ages of 3-6) are the most misunderstood and judged of them all.
The inevitable outcome is that we tense up and block full emotional contact with our own bodies and spirits- thereby becoming less alive and responsive than we were when we were born. The deeply held, chronic tension in our entire body that numbs our emotional sensations also makes us less responsive to sensations of pleasure. And that very much includes our sexual pleasure.
Makes sense? The suppression of our feelings makes us less open and alive in all ways.
For a compelling proof of this, observe how wide open, bright and shining the eyes of young children are. Then compare their spontaneity and aliveness to the more guarded and “dulled” look in the eyes of adults on any street in the world. Young children- before they shut down emotionally- are full of the excitement and pleasure of simply being alive.
We were all once exactly like them. And we can be again!
How do we reclaim the open-hearted, full-bodied joyfulness we had as children? Simply put, WE NEED TO BE EMOTIONALLY AND SPIRITUALLY REBORN BY REVERSING THE PROCESS OF EMOTIONAL AND SEXUAL SUPPRESSION.
The more we can trust and surrender to the emotional energy in our bodies- expressing all that we feel and holding nothing back- the better we feel and the more lively and happy we become!
And this emotional rebirth- the inner revolution that reconnects us to our body and spirit- restores our capacity for the sexual satisfaction we desire and deserve.
When our sexual energy is flowing freely our sensations can range in intensity from sweet, comforting enjoyment to red-hot ecstasy. When erotic passion blends with the love and affection in our hearts, we are flooded with bliss. At the peak of orgasm we merge- energetically speaking- with our partner, and even with the life-force of the cosmos itself. Is it any wonder, then, that our desire for love and our need for sexual fulfillment are the two most powerful drives in our being?
In order to completely free our sexual happiness we must undo the negative messages we internalized growing up and now repeat- subconsciously- to ourselves. In the exercise below each affirmation you repeat to yourself is carefully designed to “uproot” anti-sexual thoughts and attitudes and replace them with self-loving and pleasure-affirming ones.
Through working with this simple exercise over time, you will build up your subconscious voice of validation regarding your sexuality and need for pleasure in general. With frequent repetition you will find that your sense of adventure and sexual enjoyment increases, while your difficulties fade.
If you reach a point where improvement ceases, remember that sexual openness depends on overall emotional self-acceptance and aliveness and address that part of the healing process too. Gains in sexual satisfaction will begin improving again as you unsuppress and release blocked emotional energy in other areas- for example, buried anger, fear or sadness.
THE SEXUAL FREEDOM EXERCISE.
Stand (or sit if you cannot stand) before a mirror and look into your own eyes. The idea is that the person in the mirror is in need of your complete acceptance and loving support- and that you (as the one speaking) will supply it!
One-by-one, repeat aloud any or all of the following statements. Speak slowly, working with the ones you choose for a few repetitions before moving on to the next. Try to find the place in yourself that truly believes what you are saying, and learn to let passion and expressiveness come into your voice as you speak. The best way to “get into the spirit” is to speak like you are talking to someone you really love (your child, your best friend, your partner etc.) and you very much want them to believe what you are saying! The more sincere, expressive and passionate you are in saying these self-affirming things to yourself, the more your body and subconscious mind will believe them.
Always use your name, or a tender endearment (“Sweety”, “Honey” etc.) at the beginning of each statement. This is essential for gaining your subconscious mind’s attention and allowing the words to touch your heart:
“(Your name), You completely deserve to feel good.”
“(Your name), I love you and want you to be free.”
“(Your name), there’s no need to feel guilty or ashamed.”
“(Your name), I completely accept your desires.”
“(Your name), your sexual pleasure is totally positive.”
“(Your name), your sexual desires are totally positive.”
“(Your name), it’s good to let go and lose control.”
“(Your name), it’s safe to trust your body and let go.”
“(Your name), you deserve to be sexually satisfied.”
“(Your name), it’s good to move and make sound during sex.”
“(Your name), I want you to have fun in bed.”
-“(Your name), sex is for pleasure, not a performance.”
“(Your name), I think your sexuality is beautiful.”
If you don’t feel 100% enthusiasm for any of these self-affirming statements, recognize that there is room to grow in your self-love and connection to your sexuality. I absolutely guarantee that your happiness will grow as you embrace the goodness and rightness of your sacred sexual self!
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“THE LIBERATOR”: A SELF-LOVING PRACTICE TO RELEASE YOUR FEAR!
December 1, 2013 at 2:10pm
“THE LIBERATOR”: A SELF-LOVING PRACTICE TO RELEASE YOUR FEAR!
DEAR FRIENDS- Permit me to ask you this most urgent and fundamental question: On this road from birth to death that we are all walking- are you carrying fear inside you? Are you afraid of getting older; of being alone; of never finding the love you long for; of losing your money, or becoming ill; of never reaching your cherished dreams and desires; of never shining forth in all your beauty and greatness, “living out loud” and being completely free?
If your answer is yes, you are in good company. Because here is a compassionate and liberating truth- EVERYONE carries fear, to one degree or another. But I swear to you that this need not be the case!
The fear we carry is like a chronic illness that drains the life from our body, mind and spirit. To be cured of it you must first admit to yourself that it is there. When we end our denial and self-suppression and admit that we are afraid inside, we become valiant warriors- heroes and heroines in the sacred struggle for joy, aliveness and love.
It is crucial to realize that fear is NOT an inevitable part of life and the human condition. Simply and certainly put- we are not born to be afraid! There is no genetic or “karmic” predisposition toward fear either. At the core of our body and spirit there is no existential fear of death (for example)- or of life and love either!
Rather, we are born with a foundation of Unconditional Trust in the goodness and rightness of ourselves and of life. This uplifting faith in our spirit, this pure and blissful feeling in our entire body is our birthright. AND WE CAN RETURN TO THAT INBORN STATE OF GRACE.
I urge you to realize this: any particular fear you suffer from is a symptom of the deeper, primary problem- the habit of fear itself! By becoming aware of the “knot of fear” within you and the habit of tensing and holding on that maintains it, you can recover your Original Trust and achieve the daily peace and happiness you deserve.
I developed the practice I call “The Liberator” at the breakthrough moment of healing my own burden of fear. It fuses the principles of Zen Meditation, Core/Bioenergetic Psychotherapy, and Unconditional Self-Love. To guide you in understanding how to use it I’d like to share my understanding of why we become afraid and how this innovative approach will help you liberate yourself.
To begin, what I call “the knot of fear” develops early in life when our core state of trust is wounded by frightening experiences and conditions that we cannot fully release. These stressful experiences occur during the years our basic attitudes and reactions to life are forming- our infancy, childhood and adolescence.
For example, like many of you I experienced the frightening disconnection and isolation of not being breast-fed. Any denial of a child’s core instinct disturbs its basic trust in the Universe as a safe and nurturing place. Another type of painful “disconnection” that many of us suffered was being left in the dark to “cry ourselves out”- being forced to sleep alone before we were physically and emotionally ready.
Another experience millions (perhaps billions) of people share is a significant degree of unconscious- but very real- anxiety in the emotional climate of their family. For example, my own Mother held a great deal of fear in her body due to being sexually abused as a child. My Father carried fear and rage from being beaten growing up. Both of them had been spanked routinely. These were extreme circumstances and yet they are not uncommon. The basic principle is that children’s developing systems “soak up” and store some degree of their parents’ anxiety.
The unreleased stress of fear-producing conditions- both obvious (sexual/emotional/physical abuse including spanking) and subtle (the fear and worries in our parents and the greater society around us) causes our body and spirit to tense up and contract deep inside. The “knot” of fear is formed and continues to rob us of peace and happiness unless we become aware of its existence and learn to let it go.
When I was 44 years old I had an electrifying and life-changing experience. During a meditation session, like a flash of lightning that reveals everything shrouded by the darkness, I suddenly awakened and realized that I was afraid ALL THE TIME. Every second of every day! And that I had been frightened, deep in my body and on an unconscious level, ever since I was a child.
And following this lightning flash came the thunder in my heart. I felt with absolute certainty that NOT A SINGLE ONE OF MY FEARS WAS REAL OR NECESSARY. Rather it was all just a habit of tensing up that began in stressful experiences that had remained “stuck” in my body. Once I felt and saw and these things with crystal clarity I knew that I could exist without any fear at all! I saw how I hadn’t been born with it, but rather I had acquired it. And like any habit the fear could be slowly and permanently let go and released.
A number of factors contributed to this release and awakening. The most important was that my awareness was very centered and grounded in my body. Years of yoga, zen meditation and connecting to my suppressed emotions and sensations via Bioenergetics gave me the ability to observe and deeply feel the fear inside.
It was astounding to discover that I had been in the grip of fear all my life and yet I had failed to recognize such an obvious truth. That’s how powerful our emotional defenses are! From this and other observations I have come to believe that most people have a similar knot/habit of fear, on an unconscious level, and spend their lives imprisoned behind invisible walls.
As I observed and explored my inner knot of fear, I realized that it remained in me REGARDLESS OF THE OUTER CIRCUMSTANCES OF MY LIFE. Whether I was rich or poor, succeeding in my endeavors or failing, alone or in a loving relationship- my chronic fear was still there! In my meditative practice I watched the worrying thoughts and the clenching of fear in my body as the days and months went by. From this close self-observation I had to conclude that my fear was nothing more than a deeply held mental and bodily habit. And that like any habit it could be thoroughly released.
I realized beyond all doubt that I could never be completely happy and at peace while my body and mind were enslaved by fear. So I made it the deepest purpose of my life to face the fear and set myself free. Using the “Liberator” practice I let go ever more deeply until the habit of fear was gone. And what remained was a profound peace, and the original state of love and trust in which we are all born.
Permanently healing your fear requires all of your persistence, courage and devotion. There were many times when the layer of fear I was encountering suffocated me with the power of panic and despair. What sustained me in my walk through the fire? In my heart the child I once had been came to me. He was terribly frightened and alone, and had been all his life. He needed his pain to be touched, and felt and seen. He needed my love and only I could save him. The power of Unconditional Self-Love enabled me to never abandon that child- who was me- until all the fear was healed and gone.
I hope my story supports and inspires you to end your own fear- once and for all. Use this practice to work with your “knot” until it is completely eliminated. Going within to feel and release your fear is the ultimate act of self-love. Believe that you were born to be free, stay on the path, and nothing can stop you! LOTS OF LOVE- BRIAN
FEAR RELEASE PRACTICE: “THE LIBERATOR”
1. First, feel your feet on the floor. It is a basic principle of Bioenergetic Psychotherapy that feeling your feet and their contact with the ground simultaneously relaxes you and shifts your “inner observer” from being “stuck in your head and thoughts” to being aware of your body sensations and feelings. Remember- your fear is in your body (not your head!) so you must be grounded in and feeling your body to effectively release your knot of fear.
2. Next, as in the “Stop Worrying Exercise”, take the deepest breath you can and raise your shoulders upwards toward your ears. Then, let your shoulders drop and sag completely, as you make an “aaahhh” sound and let your breath completely out. This will further relax you and center your awareness in your body.
3. Now, just as in Zen Meditation, begin to both observe and feel the rise and fall of your chest as you breathe. Do not try to alter the spontaneous movement of your breathing in any way. If it’s deep and satisfying, fine. If it’s shallow and frustrating- again, just let it be what it is without trying to change it. It is the ability to experience what is- without escape or judgement – which will enable you to sense the fear inside you and work to let it go.
4. After feeling/following your breathing for a minute or two (longer if you’d like) gently locate the tension/constriction of fear in your body. It will tend to feel like a “sick” or nauseous sensation that can be found in one or more of these areas- throat, heart/chest, solar plexus, abdomen. Some people locate their fear in the pelvic/genital area also.
Allow yourself both to observe, and feel, the physical sensation of the fear. Don’t judge or avoid the feeling of fear in any way. Simply connect to it, and open your heart to the ache and tension of your fear with tenderness and compassion.
It is crucial to connect to the physical/emotional feeling of fear in your body, aided by feeling your feet on the ground. This is because for the fear release to be permanent and life-changing you must let go not only in your mind, but in your body as well.
5. Next, breathe gently into where you feel afraid. Imagine that you are breathing in trust, and breathing out the fear.
On some days your breath may not move freely through the places in your body where you are tense with fear. It will be as if the movement of your breath is “running into a stone”. When this occurs there is no need to panic or breathe with extra force. Stay gentle with yourself, and let each wave of breath wash up against the knot of tension. Have faith in this: over time the waves of the sea will wash away even a mountain.
6. After gently breathing into the sensation of fear for a minute or two (longer if you’d like), say these words to yourself- out loud if you are alone, in your mind if you need privacy.
– “It is safe to completely let go”.
– “I completely trust myself, and the path of my life”.
– “All is well, and all will surely be well”.
This is the voice of your Soul, that is always whispering to you from beneath the tension of your fear!
Repeat these words a number of times. After each repetition relax and let go in your entire body- especially in your heart area.
You will sometimes feel the need to cry. Have faith in this emotional and physical release. Crying is our heart’s and body’s primal mechanism of letting go. The permanent, life-changing release of fear will eventually involve deep sobbing and crying. Surrender to your tears of relief and release, like a lost child that has found its Mother. Trust your body and go with the flow.
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AWAKENING YOUR “INNER MOTHER”: A SELF-LOVE EXERCISE TO RELEASE YOUR SADNESS.
December 1, 2013 at 2:28pm
AWAKENING YOUR “INNER MOTHER”: A SELF-LOVE EXERCISE TO RELEASE YOUR SADNESS.
DEAR FRIENDS- The truths that free us forever revolutionize the way we see ourselves and the path of our lives. Many liberating realizations are frightening at first, only to end up being the healing insight we had always needed. To help you on your road to inner freedom and lasting happiness I would like to offer you two such challenging- and healing!- revelations.
The first is that everyone carries within themselves a burden of unreleased sadness. As I will explain below some of our core sadness is currently felt and much is suppressed and held unconsciously in our bodies.
And the second truth is this: that the unconditional Self-Love you need to let your sorrow go truly exists in you. And you can learn to call on that love to set you free- permanently!
Why choose to face the sadness within you and work to release it? The answer is that our stored-up emotional pain powerfully impacts our daily mood and highly influences the way we see life, ourselves and each other. Our search for lasting inner peace and daily happiness cannot be fulfilled if our bodies and spirits are weighed down with sorrows we have never released.
But opening your heart to your pain- with fearless awareness and tender compassion- frees your body and spirit, enabling you to finally claim the deep well-being you deserve. I want to inspire and encourage you to face the burden you have been carrying. And offer you an empowering practice to help you release yourself and rise in joy- once and for all!
The foundation of happiness is unconditional self-acceptance, and to achieve this you need to completely accept your feelings. This is a simple thing to say, but not an easy thing to do! Our families, societies and religions often teach us to fear/mistrust/feel guilty/feel ashamed of our authentic emotions, so there is work to do to re-connect to your feelings, your body, your true self.
Thus to reclaim ourselves and restore our natural joy we need to take a courageous and positive approach to our feelings of sadness. The key is learning to bring the tenderness and devotion of a loving Mother to the work of feeling and letting out the pain.
There are four basic steps that will enable you to release your accumulated sorrow. They often need to be taken simultaneously, but for the purpose of explanation I will describe them in sequence.
The first and most important step is admitting to yourself that you are carrying unhealed pain. This brings you out of denial and activates your core life-force, which passionately desires to let it go and be completely free!
Second, you need to investigate what you are sad about and why. You may be aware of some of the sources of your sadness- for example a failed relationship or a cherished dream that never came true. Your quest for liberation starts with what you already feel and know.
However it is also true that the most powerful hurt and sorrow stored within us always originates from early in our lives. The wounds and losses, the betrayals and abandonments we experienced during infancy, childhood and adolescence are suppressed into our bodies and unconscious minds. People universally “transfer” the emotional power of these stored-up feelings onto present-day experiences- and especially our relationships! Our hurt and disappointment about the present day is amplified by these “emotional buttons”. One of the greatest spiritual awakenings you will ever have is to realize that you are responding to other people and life through the “emotional lens” of painful conditions and events that occurred long ago.
So when your work to heal your sadness gets “stuck”, this is likely due to its connection to the unhealed pain of the past. At this point working with an experienced therapist often leads to a major breakthrough.
Third, you must develop a courageous and unconditionally accepting relationship with your sorrow. The “Mother’s Arms” practice will teach you exactly how to accomplish this. This is the essence of self-love- the willingness to touch and hold your genuine feelings with the devotion you would give to a helpless child. It is this “motherly” caring toward yourself that opens your heart wide enough to surrender and let all the sadness go.
Fourth, you must learn how to skillfully release your stored-up pain through Nature’s sacred channel- full and free crying! This involves unlocking your breathing, connecting to the pain and then surrendering to your uninhibited sobbing and sound. To get a clear sense of the kind of release that permanently cleanses you of stored grief and pain, observe newborns and very young children as they cry. Their entire bodies are involved, their breathing and sound are uninhibited, and they hold nothing back. You were born with the same freedom of expression, which has since become suppressed. By regaining it over time, you will successfully unburden your heart and make room in your body for your spirit to soar in joy!
In my personal journey through heartbreak and despair, and in my work with my clients in therapy, I have found that people are often reluctant to engage with their sadness for fear of getting “stuck” in it. They fear that once they start crying they will never stop! Let me reassure you that this didn’t happen to me, and it has never happened to a single one of my clients and students. This is because when you learn to work with your sadness in a dynamic way you feel a consistent sense of progress and a growing faith and aliveness.
As proof I offer my own experience. Among the traumas that broke my heart were my father’s beatings of me and my siblings; my mother’s suicidal depression and alcoholism; the complete lack of touching and physical affection in my family; and the silencing of my feelings about it all through relentless guilt and shame. Something in me died- my hope, my ability to be myself, my trust in life and my joy. To return to life I needed to feel all that had died in me- and be reborn.
During a climactic struggle I unceasingly worked to break through the walls inside me and release my primal sadness. Like a salmon swimming upstream I was moved by an unstoppable instinct to get home.
I promise that this same indomitable spirit- the core life-force itself- dwells within you should you ever need to call upon it.
Every day for seven years I would prepare myself to come alive and surrender into my depths by doing zen meditation and warming up with yoga. Thus centered and with my energy in motion I would then melt into my body and emotions with the Bioenergetic exercises I use in my psychotherapy practice. In doing this layer after layer of sadness and pain came into my awareness and was released through full-bodied crying.
At the start of this process I was terrified of the enormity of my aloneness and sorrow. It crushed down on me like the weight of a mountain, suffocating my every breath. Overwhelming panic and despair made me want to give up. But the power of love was stronger and in the end my river of tears washed that mountain of sadness down to the sea. Every day, month and year of this self-loving work awakened my body and spirit and resulted in greater energy, aliveness, inner peace- and joy! Yes, the ultimate path to your joy passes through the loving and dynamic encounter with your sorrow.
The practice below prepares you to work with your sadness in an attitude of trust and acceptance. It will sustain your spirit by activating your devotion and Unconditional Self-Love. Deep in your body and soul is a Loving Mother, a beautiful piece of your core self. She sees your sorrow and feels it with you. Your Inner Mother will never leave you and will hold you until all the pain is gone. Awaken her with this exercise and run into her arms when you need to be free and cry!
THE “MOTHER’S ARMS” EXERCISE.
1. Stand in front of a mirror and look yourself in the eye. As you do, imagine that you are the kind of Mother who is always encouraging and knows exactly what to say. The basic concept is that the person in the mirror needs love, support and reassurance, and you are going to supply it. As unnatural as this may feel at first , I promise you will get the hang of it very quickly!
2. As you keep eye contact with yourself, one-by-one say these phrases. Say them out loud (this is essential) and say your own name (or a tender endearment such as “sweety” or an affectionate nickname) at the beginning of each phrase (also essential).
– “___ I see that you are sad.”
– “___ there’s no need to be afraid. It’s completely safe to feel what’s inside you.”
– “___ every tear is precious to me. There’s no need to feel guilty or ashamed.”
– “___ it’s good to cry. You can trust your body and let go.”
– “___ it’s safe to let go and let it out. I love you and I’m holding you.”
3. Lastly, say something to yourself that you really need to hear right now. The more you need to hear it, the greater the healing that results. Always speak to yourself with the nurturing/encouraging/loving attitude of your Inner Mother!
As you work with each phrase, stay with it and repeat it a few times. Attune yourself to that place in you which sincerely feels and believes what you are saying. If you are frightened or ashamed of your sadness and crying, that sincerity may be difficult to find at first. However, it won’t be long before the “Inner Child” in your heart senses that you are truly there for her/him, and your tears and sounds will begin flowing spontaneously and naturally.
Remember, the release of crying is always good for you- so trust your body and let go!
You have absolutely nothing to fear from working to release your sadness- and EVERYTHING to gain! The more we let go of our pain and sorrow- and the fear that keeps it suppressed- the more room we gain in our bodies and spirits for the joy and aliveness we long for.
There may be times when- to face and work through a primal level of your sadness- you need the extra measure of support and training that a skilled therapist can offer. Listen to your intuition about this, and don’t hesitate to love yourself by reaching out for the help you need. You deserve it! WITH ALL MY LOVE, FAITH AND TENDERNESS- BRIAN
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